Parenting Teenager - Take Time For Your Teen!

By Christina Botto

BookWire’s "Year in Reviews Magazine," December 2006 issue, lists a review of my book "Help Me With My Teenager! A Step-by-step Guide for Parents that Works."

All in all a very positive review, the reviewer states: "Help Me With My Teenager!" speaks in a clear and understandable language directly to parents. Some techniques, such as stopping whatever you’re doing when your kid is ready to talk, will be difficult for already busy parents to implement. However, the extra effort promises to pay excellent dividends in form of a healthier, more supportive relationship."

I never said it was easy or that no effort on the parent’s part is necessary. As a matter of fact, throughout my book I emphasize that parents will need to utilize a lot of self control and implement strategies before responding to their teen’s actions or questions. The statement "stopping whatever you’re doing will be difficult to implement for already busy parents" touches on one of the most important factors when it comes to parenting your teenager.

To put this issue into perspective, here is the following analogy:

Consider you are working for a large company, managing a department of several employees. You double task by managing your group as well as working on projects assigned to you by your supervisor.

What do you do when one of your employees interrupts you with a question while you are focusing on your project? - You stop. Not because you want to, but because you have to. Your management position requires it. If you choose to tell your employee: "Come back later" or "I really cannot deal with this right now" you are not doing your job as a manager and your review will reflect this.

Furthermore, your employees will stop coming to you with their questions, deal with their problems the best way the see how, and eventually your department will be in a state of complete chaos. Your boss wants to speak with you for a moment behind closed doors? There is a very good chance you saw that coming.

Being a manager, guiding other employees so they will succeed and excel in what they’re doing is what upper management expects of you. It’s a duty that you cannot ignore if you want to keep your job.

Parenting your teenager is very similar to being a manager. However, instead of guiding and assisting strangers, you are supporting and helping you own child. Are you sure you want to leave your teenager to fend on his own because you’re a "already busy parent?"

Busy parents are also stressed parents. We cannot escape the duties of our individual jobs, so we try to keep additional pressures at bay if we can. It’s so easy to tell your teen that you really don’t have time for him now. He’ll say "OK" and walk away — you’re ready to continue with whatever you were doing. By avoiding to listen to your teen when he needed your opinion or help you saved yourself five minutes.

For your teenager, however, these five minutes would have meant getting your help and advice instead of being left to deal with his issue on his own. They would have meant that he is important enough for you to stop what you’re doing and help him, instead of being scolded for interrupting your busy life.

They would have given him the security blanket he needs as he is trying to gain confidence in himself and his decisions.

There is no fear of a bad review when it comes to your teen — or is there? If your teen has to deal with an issue without your support and fails — do you yell at him? Do you add insult to injury by telling him he should have come to you, forgetting that you told him you had no time and sent him away when he did?

You want your teen to stay out of trouble and you want your teen to succeed. He cannot do that alone, he needs your guidance and support. Your time is needed, not just for a better relationship with your teenager, but for your teen to resist peer pressure, stay out of trouble and not start to drink, use drugs or get depressed. To resist and cope with the pressures of growing up, your teen needs to know that he matters in your life and that he can come to you for help and advice. Your teen needs you - even if he acts otherwise.

As 2007 commences, let us add another New Year’s resolution to our list — Take Time For Your Teen!

Best Wishes for a successful 2007 to all of you.

About the Author: Christina continues to help parents through her web site parentingateenager.net, where parents can find her book, news for Education K-12 and College, and a variety of tools and resources to help them with the issues they are struggling with.

Source: www.isnare.com

Creating Happy, Healthy Teens

By Kim Olver

There is research that shows that the best outcomes result when parents provide a good balance between guidelines and expectations for their children’s behavior and a positive, supportive relationship.

Parents are not meant to be their children’s best friends but in order to raise happy, healthy teens, it is imperative to have a reasonably close relationship, at least as close as your teen will allow.

During this period in your child’s life, he or she is attempting to separate from you by developing his or her own identity that is uniquely different from yours. Teens often find their parents’ values conflict with the values of their peer culture and what they see in the media. While they are separating from you, they are being immersed in a world where almost anything goes.

The only way to maintain any influence during this time is by maintaining a positive relationship. This can be difficult because your children are doing things that scare you and may jeopardize their safety but you need to stay supportive and encouraging. One of the best things you can do for your teenager is to listen. Attempt to understand their life from their unique vantage point.

Ask your children questions and listen to the answers, without judgment. Teens need to know that you are interested in what they do and that their thoughts and ideas won’t be criticized by you at every turn. Resist the temptation to correct everything they say. This will increase the likelihood that your teens will continue to talk to you.

That does not mean that you support their negative behaviors. It is acceptable and important that you let them know how their behavior affects you. If your child starts swearing, it is all right to acknowledge their right to do so with their friends if that is important to them, but you would prefer he or she not use offensive language in your presence.

The other part of what creates the most healthy teens is clear, consistent guidelines and parental expectations for behavior. That does not mean you should have strict rules and excessive punishment. During the teen years, your children are trying to navigate their way through a very confusing world with little parental guidance. It is a parent’s responsibility to provide guidelines and expectations, without being a dictator.

Because your children are not in your presence all the time, you may not know whether or not they are following your guidelines but the simple fact that you have them has been shown to be very important. My teens knew I didn’t like cursing, drinking and driving, drug use and disrespect of others. I wanted them to do their best in school but understood that academics were not nearly as important to them as they were to me.

My children tested the limits, of course, and I expressed my disappointment when they did. We always had conversations about how it was my job as their parent to keep them as safe as I could, while allowing them the freedom to explore their world independently.

Maintaining this balance of relationship and expectations provides exactly the right environment for your teen to practice real life decision-making, while still having the safety of the family when he or she makes mistakes or needs support.

When your teen violates your expectations, it is important to have conversations about what they were attempting to accomplish by violating your guidelines. Help them to see the danger in the choices they made and help them evaluate whether or not the behavior they chose will help them move in the direction they were attempting to go.

I was fortunate to have two sons who were interested in the FBI as a career so anything they did that skirted around legal issues, I was able to connect their engaging in that behavior hindering the likelihood of them getting into the FBI.

Teens like to know that their parents will keep them safe even if they struggle and fight any restrictions you have. Do not confuse their anger and disdain. This is often simply part of the process but deep down, they are appreciating that you care enough to keep them safe.

Empowerment Parenting provides a great combination of supportive relationships with boundaries and guidelines. It is a system that can help your son or daughter develop into the adult they were destined to be.

About the Author: Kim works with parents and children helping them with their communication skills ultimately leading to an improvement in their relationships. Check out her free teleconference, Empowerment Parenting, at http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/EmpowerParenting.htm

Source: www.isnare.com

As parents we all want our chldren to be happy. I have an article on another blog that I thought I would include a link to here. It’s worth a read if you have a minute………

http://gettingmoreconfident.blogspot.com/2006/09/i-know-we-love-our-children.html